Submitted by: David Cunic
Avoid becoming any of the archetypes mentioned below.
Growing from a boy into a man can be an exhausting and trying experience. You get all horny, and some of us get really hairy, and you have all these “feelings” you can’t quite understand. But you hope that the journey from boy to man will result in you becoming someone you, and ultimately the world, can be proud of. In a way, I look at growing up as a sort of evolution. From boyhood to manhood, if I may be so cliche’.
But some guys get stunted on the way, and we end up with “adults” like the ones you’ll see on this list. For God’s sake, NEVER BECOME ONE OF THESE MEN! NEVER!!!!
1. The Douche
Sorry, but I gotta keep it real. You knew as SOON as you saw that lead-in photo what you were in store for, and you came anyway. Such a man thing to do. Anyway, the douche is the one that is the easiest to become, because the term is so general. Technically, all other entries on this list are just sub-genres of douche, as you’ll see.
Do you sports too much? Douche. Do you gym too much? Douche. Talk too much about your own exploits? Douche. Obsessed with how you look and who you screw? Douche. See what I mean, there is not one uniform douche. A douche, in general, is a man another man would want to slap in the face with a handful of baby powder.
Never become a man who another man who want to slap with baby powder.
2. The Uber-Professional
You can become professional, make no mistakes. Just don’t become the UBER-professional. That is the guy who becomes professional and then begins to look and talk down to the people who have been in his life the whole time. You can succeed and move on to other aspects of life without being a vain ass about it.
This one is marked by the dude who wears suits everywhere and is first to point out what the thread count on his sheets are to a group of strangers in hopes of social validation.
Don’t be that dude. No one likes that dude.
3. Angry Man
We all know one of him, and we all know hanging out with him sucks. Why? Because he hulks out for no damn reason. The situation is only made worse when there is some kind of strong alcohol involved. Prone to get in fights, call people out, and just be a overall bully, how this guy survives past his teens has always been a mystery to me.
If you’re that angry, join a gym. Don’t subject the public to random bursts and fits of rage. That can be terrifying. And remember, Bruce Banner had no friends because who wants to risk being around him when dude goes green?
No one. That’s who.
4. The Perv
Here’s the thing. Almost everyone likes sex. Here’s the other thing. Almost everyone finds other people attractive, in some way or another. But you know what’s not cool? The dude who is always sizing up women and figuring out which ones he can ‘bang’ and talking about it constantly. Those dudes becoming overwhelming and gross after about five minutes.
Unless you somehow perpetually LIVE inside a locker room, don’t be the guy who talks like he does. Yes, women are awesome and so is sex, but we don’t care about what you did with Jessica in the back of your Ford F150.
So stop being creepy if you’re creepy, creeper.
5. Tries Too Hard
This one is rough because at the heart of it, “tries too hard” just wants what we all want. To be loved. The problem is, he tries TOO DAMN HARD. Whether it is in the way he dresses or acts or the derivative things he does in public, you kind of feel bad for this one. He is like the male, adult version of the kid who constantly yells “watch me dive” to their parents from the diving board while their parents drink wine and openly ignore him.
You almost want to hug him and tell him it’s all gonna be okay, but you can’t. And you can’t because he is just trying TOO DAMN HARD ALL THE TIME.
So if you are THAT dude, chill out. Pop a Xanax*. It might help.
Please note: Pazoo does not endorse or encourage the use of Xanax by anyone other then people who are prescribed it, and massive douches in an attempt to make them less douchey.
About the Author: David M. Cunic, is a successful physical therapist and personal trainer for Pazoo, Inc., a Health & Wellness company for people & pets. To learn more visit us at